"...granted, most universities have creative writing programs, but these only 
teach you how to tear a story apart.  Never have I seen a creative writing 
program that teaches you how to build a story.  In other words, going to 
college to learn how to write fiction is like learning to run a bulldozer 
because you want to be a fine carpenter."     - Dean Wesley Smith


In the acoustics class he taught at MIT, Amar Bose told us, "Just
out of school, the MIT engineer finishes last.  Ten years down
the road, the MIT engineer finishes."  - sjgrant, BIX


[Joe Lazzaro was moderator of the adaptive.tech conference.  He is
blind, and has an amazing repository of blind stories...]

  When I was going to college, we had a guy at the school who was both 
blind and wheelchair-bound.  
  One day, he rolled down a flight of stairs, right in the center of 
the main lobby.  
  I was sitting on one of the benches with a friend when this 
happened. The friend turned to me and said: 
  "It must be terrible being blind.  Boy, you should have seen the 
look on that guy's face."             - lazzaro, BIX 


Some of the classes at American colleges and universities are starting 
to look like these half-hour commercials on cable TV.  You think 
you're watching a cooking show, but it's really a 30-minute commercial 
for a sandwich machine.   - lazzaro, BIX 


Attempts to rule by power are comparable to chaining a bear; 
eventually the bear loses his interest in bondage games. When that day 
comes your chain had better be a good one.     - + vanhorn +, BIX 


    Funny, I've _never_ seen a story about ease of use of a Windows 
app in a supermarket tabloid. 
    I guess there's a limit to what even their readers will believe. 
                           - RCook, BIX 


... my sister claims to have been in a bookstore when someone asked 
for a copy of "Of Human Bondage" and was referred to the self-help 
section.                        - hrettig, BIX 


software on CD...
reminds me of something that happened in highschool.  When carpooling 
home one day, Paul shoved a cassette in the player.  After the hiss of 
thge leader, the thing erupted with a loud beep, a warble, and 
horrible screeching.  He ejected the tape and read the label, 
"Statistics and Regression Analysys.  4K".  I replied, "thought it 
sounded familiar; I think I have that one."   - jdlugosz


Q: What do you do?
A: I'm a freelance writer.
Q: Oh, really?  For who?"
A: Whom.                - Steve Brust, BIX


        One of the beauties of committing PR for a living is that 
reality keeps changing on you as circumstances shift. 
        As my old boss in the flak business used to say: "Never tell 
anyone the truth until you check and find out what the truth is 
today."                                             -Rick Cook, BIX


"That's a lovely cake, in the shape of a truncheon, for the 
policeman's birthday, Baldrick. And that one in the shape of a boot 
for the cobbler is nice too. Well, who's our next order for?" 
-
   "Dr Smith, Sir."
-
"Ah yes. Dr Smith. What's his field?"
-
   "Gynecologist, sir."                 (c) Blackadder, BBC TV 1989.


I did a major job on a computer power supply one day when I got a Coke 
out of the machine and found it frozen. So I opened it and set it atop 
the warm power supply to thaw out. When one does that to a frozen soft 
drink, said soft drink will usually begin to foam up and run up and 
over the top of the bottle or can. This is what happened. Coke will 
take out a power supply. Believe me! Nothing spectacular. The power 
supply protected the fuses by fusing first, but no sqibbs and flash 
pots special effects; it just quit, leaving me a very gooey mess to 
clean up and a lot of repair work to do.     - G. Harry Stine, BIX


 The Soviets have a word for the "thousand yard stare" that is even 
better for the Antarctic. It translates to "A hundred meter gaze in a 
3 meter hut."                            - Arthur Bozlee, BIX


 "Writer's Digest is written by professional writers, but not read by 
them."                         - Jerry Pournelle, BIX


 When it's just you and your imagination facing that blank screen you 
quickly come to realize how puny your imagination really is. 
  - Rick Cook, BIX 


One fundamental principle concerning geeks is that they look normal.
Only dweebs look like geeks.   - Mike Blaszczak, BIX


How do you know if you are in a radical Unitarian neighborhood?
By the burning question marks in the yards...    - jenn, BIX


"There are some things which men are not to know. For those things are 
in the realm of the gods. And when a man gets too close to knowing 
these things, the gods will strike him dead. For gods, like the rest 
of us, are worried about job security."         - G. Harry Stine, on BIX 


Never fuck around with an author who has a thesaurus...
                                                G. Harry Stine, on BIX


I once demo'ed a medical billing system I wrote to a doctor.  He was 
most disappointed.  "You have to TYPE!??!  I thought it would just 
KNOW.  What possible use is it?"        - Roedy Green, BIX 


 What kind of individualist would you like to be today, sir? Just 
select your costume off the rack - hippie, outlaw biker, mountain man, 
race driver, computer programmer....  - dave2, BIX 


 "Do your own thing" in the 60s meant "Conform to the prevailing 
standards of non-conformity."  - rcook, BIX 


I've never forgotten what Heinlein taught me: I'm competing for YOUR 
beer money! - G. Harry Stine, BIX 


Back during WWII in the 8th Air Force B-17 raids on Nazi Germany at 
30,000 feet in unpressurized cabins, it was commonplace to leave some 
windows open to ensure a good airflow through the ship. As altitude 
increased during climbout and the ambient pressure dropped, it was 
like Bean City. - G. Harry Stine, BIX 


 For example, I objected once to a proud statement from a NASA 
administrator who claimed they'd achieved 95% reliability in the space 
shuttle system; I remarked that neither he nor I or anyone else would 
climb into an airliner that boasted 95% reliability. Result: another 
NASA dirty look.  - gharry, BIX 


 According to an Air Force study, the most common last words in the 
English language are "Oh SHIT!"             - Rick Cook, BIX 


...related to the Israeli Air Force: An officer would invite a 
candidate to his office, offer him a seat and then ask him if he 
closed the door when he entered. If the candidate turns back to see 
the door, he's Out.   - alexw, BIX 


 Nature seems to have it in for artificial transportation. I was doing 
some fast road work on my Yamaha late one night when I did an 
involuntary offroad excursion. There was about a zillion thumbnail-
sized tree frogs migrating across one sweeper, and those little 
suckers are SLIPPERY.... 
 RIBIT!                     - dave2, BIX 


Where do we writers get ideas? Simple. They're all around us. When I 
asked Robert A. Heinlein about that, he merely waved his hand at a 
wall full of books, smiled, and said, "There! All you have to do is 
file off the serial numbers..." He's right. There are only four basic 
stories: (1) Boy Meets Girl with many variations; (2) The Little 
Tailor, the little guy who makes it big; (3) The Man Who Learned 
Better; and (4) If This Goes On. Plus infinite combinations and 
permutations of these four.     - G.Harry Stine, BIX 


  My favorite Shoe is the one where the kid asks his uncle:  "As a 
writer, shouldn't you be pounding the keyboard instead of staring out 
the window?" 
  The uncle says: "Typists pound keyboards. Writers stare out 
windows." -rcook, BIX 


  John W. Campbell Jr. once quoted something to me that applies here: 
  "Always use the right tool for the job. The right tool to fix a 
television set is a TV repairman."     -rcook, BIX 


Have you ever noticed how "ergonomically designed" means "right-handed"?
-rcook, BIX


        Reminds me of a friend of mine who lived in an apartment in 
NY. He had an old watch without a luminous dial.  I asked him how he 
knew what time it was if he woke up in the middle of the night and he 
told me he used his trumpet.  His trumpet?  Sure.  Just blare a few 
practice notes on that and in minutes, a voice would shout, "You 
stupid f***, it's 3:30 in the morning!"           - moneysmith, BIX 


  I caught about five minutes of it.
  As far as I could see, what it lacked was characterization, plot and
imagination.
  Other than that, nothing wrong with the bit I saw.
- rcook, commenting on a made-for-television spectacular (BIX)


I've noticed that systems written for hospitals generally do the 
sensible thing with dates, requiring all four digits of the year.  
There is a reason for this: there are some people more than 100 years 
old, and most of them are in hospitals.  - marklutton on algorithms, BIX 


   How much more impressive is Guiseppe Verdi than the English 
equivalent, Joe Green.       - hkenner, BIX 
   Whenever I see a sentence built like that, I always get the urge to 
ask, "Well, how much more impressive is it?"    - dave2, BIX 


I remember a trial lawyer who defended his client to the utmost,
but when the jury returned, the verdict read aloud was "Guilty."
The client turned to the lawyer and said, "What do we do now?"
The lawyer sighed, shut his briefcase, and said, "You go to jail,
and I go to lunch." - mham

Nah...the line is "where do we GO now?"
-
however...you've heard the one about the trial lawyer
who had a big victory and sent a telegram to his
client saying "JUSTICE TRIUMPHED!"

The client wired back "APPEAL IMMEDIATELY"   - bbayer


PEACE, n.
 Maintenance of a state of tension short of actual conflict.
                       Keith Laumer, "Galactic Diplomat"  - dave2, BIX


That's like the old "... was brought to you by Weller Funeral
Homes.  And remember, if you don't get better, get Weller." - matt.trask


I once heard a definition of "Chutzpah" which has stuck with me. I've 
no idea if the story has any basis in fact, but I wouldn't be 
surprised... During the '67 war, an Israeli jet landed on an American 
aircraft carrier just off the coast of Israel in the Mediterranean. 
When queried as to why he had landed on the carrier, the Israeli pilot 
replied: 
   "I thought it was one of ours".    - aburke


        Do they call the lobster dish that because that's when it was
invented?
        My favorite has always been Fructidor.
- rcook


..."The C programming language...is a language which combines the 
power of assembly language with the flexibility of assembly 
language"...                                   - Frode Odegard, BIX


Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured
on is way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over
to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him
to the army where he was then executed.   - Jerry Pournelle, BIX


"I don't report on the computer industry. I RUN the computer 
industry."                                - Jerry Pournelle, from BIX


"That's not a pentagram.  That's a circle!" "A pentagram approaches a 
circle for sufficiently large values of five."    - The Wizardy Cursed


FBoness:  What causes people to die in alphabetical order?  Check the 
          obits, it's true!
AFasoldt: The reason that people die in alphabetical order is because
          they were born that way. Haven't you ever read the birth
          notices? Sheesh!  Some questions have simple answers.
FBoness:  Simple answers for simple minds. Thank you.
                  - maunderings from the BIX /technology conference


        We were in Nawlins for the first time, went to have lunch at 
the Gumbo Shop. Sat down, ordered as we'd been advised to do. The 
bowls - nice big deep ones - came out, all full of great smelling 
soup. We knew that gumbo consists of lots o' different stuff. However, 
when Wendy put her spoon in and lifted it out, *most* of an entire 
crab came out on it, legs up. Looked for all the world like the face-
hugger from "Alien" making for her. I'm told they heard the shriek in 
Kenner!                                - richard.pini, BIX


      On the back of a ten dollar bill, there is a picture of the US 
Treasury. On the street in front of it is a car.  It's a Hupmobile.  
That's something you need to know if you play Trivial Pursuit or want 
to understand the US economy and the relationship of free markets, 
competition, and the financial fate of new products in emerging 
technologies.      - moneysmith, BIX 


As I said earlier, I think the Wall simply reflects what you bring to 
it. For some it is a place of great healing. For others, shame. Yet 
another group feels nothing at all. All these views are equally valid 
and correct. As an aside, what would your idea of a suitable memorial 
be? What would *you* design, given a blank check and the freedom to do 
it?    - bozlee, BIX 
        -
A glowing crater on the site of Hanoi? :-)       - rcook, BIX


 Do you have an elevator in your ivory tower, or do you climb the 
stairs for exercise?        - dave2, BIX 


  I am DELIGHTED to have anyone ask me to sign a copy of one of my 
books that they have. I don't care and don't ask if it's new or used, 
hard cover or paperback. Someone took the time and made the effort to 
part with some of their beer or BIXing money to get that book, to 
bring it along, and to ask me to inscribe it. 
  There are two places I like to sign my name: (1) on the inside of 
books, and (2) on the back of checks.       - G. Harry Stine, on BIX 


There is a satirical magazine in ther UK called Private Eye.  One of 
my favourite covers showed a US battleship with the speech balloons 
tagged: 
        "Is it a bird?"
        "Is it a plane?"
        "What the hell. Shoot it down anyway!"  - robclark, BIX


 "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it." 
 "The monkey's in your court." 
 "It came to me like a shot in the dark out of a clear blue sky!" 
- wardc, BIX 


I always tell my new users, "We're not watching Hee Haw here. When
everything seems to have stopped, that means it's _your turn_ to do
something."                 - vic.sobranie, BIX


Nov 7 = Guy Fawkes day.
-
The only country I know which celebrates of a past attempt to blow
up the government.   - tanj


>using 'impact.'
-
Yeah, I have to stifle a giggle every time someone uses 'impacted'
to mean affected.  Where I trained, if someone was impacted it was
time to get out the rubber gloves.   - dnye


Reminds me of the old joke: "God didn't create the universe in six days
and rest on the seventh; he goofed off for six days and then did an
all-nighter."  - gharry
-
Sometimes I think it shows.


 Actually, that reminds me of a joke attributed to Steven Brust, formerly
moderator of this-hyar conference...
> "Did you hear the one about the Zen fisherman?"  Holds out one hand.
> "Is was *this* big!"  - dave2


Sleep deprivation isn't a defense -- it's a lifestyle!   - mikester


 "My line printer's just caught fire.  Is this a problem with
your software?"   - mikester


        Agree.  A truly sociopathic kid would have had at least *one* 
person out there he'd want to confron with his personal Terminator.
Still, the situation you mention led to one of the funnier lines in 
the film:
        
        "Hey, I told you NOT to kill anybody!"
        "He'll live."   - moneysmith


As modems become more and more sophisticated, the noises they
make to each other will sound more and more like white noise.  - roedy


"...looking at the connector from the Linda Lovelace point of view..." - roedy
"Who is Linda Lovelace?" - blaszczak


        Just remember, Mike:
If You Can Reach 50 Without Growing Up, You Don't Have To!
--R(who has two years to go)C


Navy policy: "Force to fit, file to hide, paint to cover."
-
Army policy: "If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't move, pick it up.
If you can't pick it up, paint it."
-
Air Force policy: "Finger-tight and back off half a turn."
- gharry


Oh, I told you about the groupies, Joe.   It's easy to
control; just take off your "Writer" badge, and they don't see you.
- mike_banks


Not kick my dogs? Hah! You oughta see what it's like trying to get to
sleep with two people, two Golden Retrievers, and a calico cat on the
bed! Damned right I kick the dogs off.  Except when it's cold enough
to be a One Dog Night or, worse, a Two Dog Night.  - gharry

        What about a Three Dog Night?
        (All together now: "Hooow does the light shine. . .") --RC

 Actually, I met the group once when I was working as a security guard.
They were playing in Little Rock.  I was working the building next door,
walked over to the hotel to get a Coke from the machine upstairs.
There was a bang-up party going on.  About the time I got up to the
door, it opened and a complete tea set flew out and smashed against
the wall.  A guy looks out, and here I am, leather, .357, and all.

 "Uh..." he says.

 "Keep it out of the hallway, OK?" I reply.

 "Great!  You want an autograph?"

 Working security at rock concerts was great.  Not only free music, but
once the groupies started taking their clothes off and throwing them,
the view wasn't bad either.  Who cared if you couldn't see the band from
back stage?  And we got to raid to buffet, too.  - dave2


I am very much reminded of the 1990 meeting of the British
Historical Society that had three speakers on the effect of the
American Revolution.  The first speaker, an American, got up and
cataloged the many things the US had brought to the world,
including support for England in two world wars.  He was roundly
applauded.  The second speaker, a British gentleman, went on to
discuss the contraction of the British Empire, which once ruled
most of the world, and connected its downfall to the dastardly
revolution in the colonies.  He sat down to thunderous applause.  
-
The third speaker, a Chinese historian, had the shortest speech. 
He said: "I think it is too soon to tell".  :-)    - BillN, BIX